Ethical non-monogamy. Not only you can have sex with others, you can even fall in love with others. Even more than one, if you’d like. Because you can, and because there’s nothing wrong about it. And you can do all this while even your partner is enjoying it!
Had I mentioned this in the first chapter, most likely every bone in your body would have been against it. After all, this is not how you were raised. You were given a faulty relationship model to follow, in which cheating was demonized, sexual fidelity – the kind that feels like a prison sentence – was put on a pedestal to oppose the idea of a supporting yet open, committed relationship, and you felt justified in your sense of jealousy towards your partner. If you haven’t yet read the previous articles about these things, please go back and do it now! We cannot build a new relationship paradigm without knowing the errors of the old one!
The new paradigm must maintain the benefits of the former one, which are as follows:
- it provides a sense of safety,
- it’s ethical,
- it’s family-centered,
- it’s rooted in love,
- it’s about commitment for better, for worse
However, the new paradigm must have some benefits the old one could not – or at least not always – provide, such as:
- opportunity for variety
- openness to the new
equality – the most important of them all!
No two polyamorous relationship is the same
The biggest crime ever committed against humanity was the creation of demand for uniformity, when one person told another how one MUST and, as a result, how one is ALLOWED to live. The concept of marriage is supported by fossilized and hollow rules – the kind that, as supported by statistics, makes marriages irreparable. The new relationship paradigm cannot allow itself to treat every individual the same, as if everyone had the same background, same desires, and the same priorities. Furthermore, this new paradigm cannot allow itself to be hailed as THE ONE above all, which would close off any possibilities for diversity and progression.
There are as many “poly-s” as the number of “poly” individuals. You have to find your own path according to your own values. You might repulse from the idea of more than two people living together – and that’s okay. You might only value the type of relationship in which the feelings for the third, fourth, or n-th partner gets less and less – and that’s okay too.
No matter how you and your partner feel, as long as it serves everyone in the relationship – it’s all okay. And if someone judges you for how you prefer to live – that is definitely not okay!
One day I had a conversation with some friends about polyamory, which received quite a doubtful reaction. To be honest, they were a bit intoxicated and they pointed their fingers at me: do you really believe in this thing? Though I was deeply offended, I didn’t react the way I would have reacted without thinking: aren't all your parents divorced?! I know all of you here, most of you have cheated on your partners! You’re not even 30 years old but you’ve already been through several failed – but of course strictly monogamous – relationships! Why hasn’t it worked out for you yet? Have you not tried it enough times? I know you have! And if that’s the case, do you seriously believe that your current or your next relationship will be different?!
Granted, we are touching on some very deep taboos, and we are facing our deepest, most intimate fears when we bring this issue to light. Our entire social belief system is turned upside down by this relationship paradigm, in which we don’t “take” or “make love to” a woman, but rather, we view her as our equal, and in which instead of denying that we have problems, we get ahead of them and work on them through open communication.
What is the propose of polyamory?
It’s to let you be who you want to be. Though you are great and wonderful, the same way your partner is great and wonderful, you simply cannot be everything for your partner just yourself. You also have to give up that ridiculous expectation that you can be everything for your partner and that your partner can be everything for you, all in one.
Why should it be viewed as temptation if you like someone else? Why wouldn’t you make each other’s life more fulfilled by allowing both yourself and your partner to be re-energized through a third person? Why would something that benefits everyone be worthy of condemnation?
We must take our relationship from the realms of egoism and selfishness to the world of mutual benefits.
Not only does this set you free, it also makes you a better person. You just have to make sure you don’t ever look back at the old, irreparable paradigm, thinking that they used to be better and without fault.